Ah, the sweet scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. The sound of 'Jingle Bells' and 'Silent Night' on the radio. The rush of people in the stores and the sight of lights, tinsel and decorations everywhere you look. Do you have the cold sweats yet? If so, you just might be parenting a child with a trauma history! Yes, this time of year that everyone else treasures and looks forward to with delight can be absolute hell for those in our position, (I type, as my dysregulated 8 year old runs around the livingroom, carrying a metal skewer like a saber and threatening to never go to sleep again). The holidays are filled with boobytraps of triggers and memories that can change the mood of our child with no notice and make getting through the season a nightmare. Well, there's good news and bad news.
Let's start with the bad news, because... 2020. Nothing is probably going to change the fact that the holidays are hard in our houses anytime soon. You can't erase memories. You can't make the holidays go away. As a parent to a kid from hard places, you are likely always going to struggle this time of year. I'm sorry. I'm there with you. I see you.
But, here's the good news! #1. You are NOT alone. In fact, pretty much everyone who bothers to read this post is in the same position. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like it. That's because as trauma parents*, in an effort to avoid sharing some of our child's less savory behaviors with the general public, we tend to isolate ourselves. We decline invites, stay home, and barely even talk to our friends over the phone or social media. Even when there is NOT a pandemic confining us to our four walls. But trust me, there's a huge community of parents just like you that get it. Like, really get it. You're going to have to look harder for them, because they are likely hiding out too, but they are there. Find a local support group, or even an online one and suddenly, you won't feel so alone. You'll feel seen and understood. Don't know where to start? Feel free to join my Facebook page, Central Florida Adoptive Parents. (No worries if you're not from Florida.) Or do a google search for groups in your own area.
And here's good news #2: There ARE things you can do to try and make your holiday season a little bit easier. Can you change your child's reaction to certain triggers? No. Are you going to suddenly have a holly jolly Christmas? Probably not. So, WTF, Jenn, right? What can I do? Walk with me...
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1. Set a Low Bar. Lower. Lower. Riiiight There.
Our kiddos have a lot to deal with on a daily basis, but the holidays make things especially complicated. Think about it. The theme of the holiday season is all about love, family and togetherness. Oh man, do our kids have a hard time with that stuff! So expectations need to be set super low. Don't allow your family of origin's traditions set the bar for you. Your kid isn't you. And you aren't your parents. (I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.) While holiday traditions are important and should absolutely be maintained when they can, they tend to set us up for disaster with our kiddos. Don't expect your child to want to wear matching family pajamas or have that Kodak-ready smile when they open their gifts. You're possibly just going to be disappointed and end up with hurt feelings.
This is particularly important when it comes to the subject of gifts. A lot of kids who come from hard places have a difficult relationship with 'stuff'. It could be that they never got to keep their stuff. They moved from foster home to foster home and each time, the things that they thought of as theirs got left behind. Or maybe they had a bio-parent who sold all of their stuff, or destroyed it. Nothing seems permanent, so eventually, they become indifferent to the 'stuff'. Or you could have a child who is trying to fill a hole in their heart and they hope that maybe the 'stuff' will do it. The problem is that nothing ever is enough to fill that hole and it leaves the child looking ungrateful and spoiled. (Trust me, they are NOT ungrateful, even though it feels that way.) And even if there is no hard relationship with 'stuff', most neuro-typical* kids don't know how to react to gifts, so expecting our kiddos to know is unfair. Their faces and body language don't always match their feelings. (You may want to warn well-meaning friends and family members about this too, in an effort to thwart hurt feelings as gifts are open. See Tip #2!)
* neuro-typical refers to a child who likely has had a more conventional and healthy upbringing and does not have diagnosed learning, emotional or behavioral challenges
The first couple of years that The Hubs and I were parenting our then 4 year old daughter, we really missed the mark on Christmas. We could not figure out why this child did not seem to care about her more fancy and (in our opinions) more exciting gifts (aka more expensive), and why the only gifts she'd oooh and aaah over were the crappy dollar store items. Why at six years old was she abandoning her games and dolls and playing with her baby brother's light up, musical toys? Why did she looked pissed off when she would open some items and sad when she opened others? Why, each time she opened a gift that she was excited about, would she insist on playing with it right away, leaving an unopened pile of gifts in front of her? Didn't she want to know what else she got? And oh man, twenty minutes into opening, look out! She'd lose her crap and become angry, emotional, or have a total meltdown. What the heck, kid? It's Christmas. Lighten up.
The good news is, a couple of years in, we became more trauma-informed and we got better. We made necessary changes. We lowered our bar. We started understanding that she had no concept of these "nice" gifts being expensive or heartfelt. What kid does? She knew that when she was in foster care, every now and then she would get treated to a dollar store toy, or a McDonald's Happy Meal toy. As a result, THAT was the stuff she treasured, so we started buying more of it. When she was his age, my daughter never got the baby toys that her brother was receiving as gifts, so those fascinated her. We started aging down her Christmas gifts and letting her have the stuff that seemed 'too young' for her. In fact, this year, at 12, she is getting her first real Barbie dolls, because she's just now at a stage where she is ready for them and wants them. (Please, please baby girl... stay this youthful and innocent as long as you can! I'll buy you Barbies when you're 16 if you want! Just stay away from boys and drugs!) We learned that her face almost never matched her internal emotions, so we didn't take pictures of opening gifts and even tried to avoid everyone focusing on her while she opened stuff. And we totally stopped taking her reactions, or lack there of, personally. Some gifts reminded her of happier or sadder times. Sitting in those feelings, and not having the words to put to them is impossibly hard for a kid. Have patience. Remember that your child probably has no filter and can't put on a happy face, even though that's often what we were taught to do as kids.
Also, now, our Christmas mornings take a loooong time, often stretching into the afternoon, or even evening*. We are in no hurry to open presents and are on no set schedule. We let the kids open stuff and play with it as they choose. If they want to spend hours setting up a new toy, or holding a new doll, we let them. It's a good thing. Oh, and even if they don't ask to stop and play, we work in breaks. Fifteen minutes in, we make sure we stop and get some food in their bellies, and dump some coffee in ours, to avoid hangriness and sleepy impatience.
* This makes me sound super spoiled and privileged. We would need breaks if we only had 4 presents. Some years we have had less, others we have had more, and for that, I am very grateful.
2. Don't Force Anything
If you want your holiday season to be as smooth as possible, don't make your kiddo do things you know they can't handle. And yes, sometimes the child telling you they don't want to do something means they can't handle it. Listen! You're not 'letting them get out of it', you're meeting a need. If you know sitting in a 2 hour Christmas vigil at church is going to be a disaster, make an alternative plan. If your kiddo tells you there are certain relatives they don't want to see, make up an excuse and let them bail. Oh, and for 2020....For the love of god, don't make them Zoom if they don't want to! You can always send your family member a text and explain that your child won't be joining you on your video chat, so they have a head's up, but video calling is so hard for our kids sometimes! Remember how we talked about their face not always matching their emotions, no filter, etc? Now add a screen to it. No bueno. Don't make them open presents on Zoom, or even really in front of anyone outside of your immediate family if possible. You can always have them send a carefully checked over by you thank you card after the fact.
You will probably have to help your friends and family adjust their expectations of your kid too. That's ok. And if for some reason, they are closed off to that idea or offended, they are NOT the supportive person that your kid needs in their life anyway. Trust me, I have lost LOTS of friends and family on this journey. The ones who stick around and bear with us more than make up for the lack of presence of those family members and friends who couldn't understand our family.
3. Give the Gift of Compassion
If you are raising a child with a trauma history, at some point, your kiddo was an innocent little baby, who had bad things happening to them, through no fault of their own. The people in their lives who were supposed to care for them and love them let them down. They hurt their very soul. Even if your child was fortunate enough to be adopted at birth and brought right into a happy, safe and loving home, they have a primal wound from being raised by someone other than the woman who carried them. (If these are foreign concepts to you, or you're having trouble buying into them, please do some research on childhood trauma and adoption. There are lots of great resources. One of the very best is The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis.) These early childhood traumas echo into adult years.
When you are really struggling with your child's behavior, remind yourself of their pain. Remember that all behavior is communication. They want you to know that they are hurting. Take a minute to find the compassion in your heart for your precious child. (Especially when they don't seem precious. Like when they are throwing things at you, or destroying your favorite things.) You might even want to keep a photo of when you first met your kiddo handy, to remind yourself of their innocence and of all the things you love about them. Once you can connect with the place of compassion in your heart, it will make things much easier. It becomes you and your kid against their history, not your kid against you.
Keep in mind that there are triggers absolutely EVERYWHERE over the holidays! So many of our memories are connected to our senses and those senses are being bombarded at Christmastime! The sweet smell of cookies may remind you of warmth and love at grandma's house on Christmas Eve, but it may remind your child of the time that they tried to make their bio-mom cookies and burnt them, and then got hurt for their mistake. Does that mean you can't bake cookies? No. It just means that you need to be aware of how your kiddos are reacting to things, invite them to share feelings, and maybe make small changes if you see them struggling. If your child is old enough, ask them what they love or don't like about the holidays. You might be surprised what traditions they would like to start, or what stuff is hard for them. Communication is key.
4. Give the Gift of Compassion... To Yourself
Parenting kids with trauma histories is hard-ass work. Give yourself a break! Not necessarily literally, because let's be real, you're likely not getting a break anytime soon, but don't be so hard on yourself. Show yourself some grace. Secondary or care-giver trauma is a very real thing. You live in a state of hypervigilance and anxiety. That's exhausting. You are human and you are not always going to be a connected, caring and compassionate parent. My very favorite mental health professional, the amazing Robyn Gobbel, shared some life-changing words of wisdom at a retreat a few years ago. I'm paraphrasing, so Robyn, I apologize if I am off a little bit, but what you said was gold, so I need to share. She said that you're only going to get this parenting thing right the first time about one third of the time. That's reasonable, right? I can totally do one third great parenting! Cool. So then, one third of the time, you're gonna mess up. You're going to be dysregulated, disconnected, distracted and NOT the best parent you can be. That's ok. It's expected. The third that matters the very most is the third that you spend in repair mode. One third of the time you need to be showing yourself some compassion. Letting yourself get regulated. Saying, 'Hey, I messed that up. I could have done it better. I'm gonna try again.' In that third of time, you are going to ask your kiddo for a redo. Yes, you are actually going to admit to your human-ness to your own child!!! You are going to let them know that just like them, you reacted without thinking and there's a better way. THAT is where the magic is, my friends. That's the special sauce. Those moments of recovery and repair will teach your child how to also amend their own mistakes. It will show them that everyone messes up and that messing up doesn't make them a bad kid. It makes them human. This is a critical message for our children to receive. In this third of time, you will be giving your traumatized child the gift of a lifetime, and that is being the best parent you can be.
Now, as for actual breaks, take 'em where you can get 'em. 5 minutes in the bathroom alone? Take it! 15 minutes in the car to run an errand? Take it! A moment with your face in a cabinet while you mime the scream that you are feeling inside? Take it! If you are fortunate enough to be co-parenting with someone else, get good at asking for what you need. Have a code word to 'tag' each other out when you just can't deal with your child's meltdown anymore. Or maybe even more importantly, know when to 'tag' out your partner when you see that they are getting dysregulated themselves. Remember that you cannot regulate a child while you are dysregulated yourself! Put on your own oxygen mask first.
If you're not co-parenting, (bless you), ask your kid for a time-out if you can. I know it sounds crazy, but this goes back to that idea of modeling what you want them to learn. Say to your kiddo, (when they are semi-regulated and it is safe to do so), 'Hey, buddy, Mama needs a break! How about we grab an ice cream/take a drive/take a minute/watch a show?' Whatever works. No matter what, the most important part is that you don't beat yourself up about the screw-ups. They are going to happen. Your one mess up didn't destroy all the progress that you have made. You'll have chances to do it better another time. I promise.
5. Resist the Urge to Threaten with Christmas
I know you've done it in the past. I know you'll likely do it at some point in the future. It happens to all of us. "If you don't (fill in the blank with desired behavior), I'm going to tell Santa/take away gifts/cancel Christmas!" It's an easy threat and may often yield the response you're looking for, but at what cost? Shouldn't our kids know that their struggles can't leave them out of holiday traditions or get them banished to the "Naughty List"? After all, if that were the case, most of us may find ourselves there too! Our kids deserve to know that nothing they do gets the delights and pleasures of the holidays removed from their lives. Again, this is a holiday that's all about togetherness and family. Telling your kid that they will be left out if they don't act a certain way is basically confirming (at least in their acceptance-seeking minds) their deepest fears that this is all temporary or that you don't want them as part of your family. To quote a very smart Mama that I know... "You can't lose Christmas." Try to remember this in those most trying of moments and find an alternative way to work toward changing behaviors.
And while we are at it, please don't employ Santa or The Elf as the 'Good Behavior Police'. Our kiddos already feel like they are being watched and scrutinized enough as it is, between parents, teachers, siblings, themselves... They don't need a bearded man or a creepy little elf judging them too. It instills the belief in our kids that one "bad" choice or action can cancel out all of their good ones and that's not a helpful life lesson, particularly for a kid who may struggle more than others. That's not to say you can't do Elf on a Shelf or talk about Santa as part of your holiday traditions. Just don't use them as a holiday surveillance system. It's just not necessary and you'll see far more negative effects than positive ones in the long run.
6. Break Traditions
I'm not talking about your family sing-a-long or your traditional meal, necessarily. I'm talking about the stuff that restricts and restrains us parents. Our ideas of what is 'supposed to be', the way we 'should act', and the way our kids 'should behave' is often set by what our family's expectations are. We bring our own crap to the table, especially at the holidays. Yes, you probably have lots of lovely, happy memories, but you have bad ones too. Maybe even traumatizing ones. Know what your own issues are and work on them when you can. Get a good therapist, or in the very least a good friend who can listen without judgement. Don't keep the tradition of family arguments and unhealthy behaviors alive. If your parents or siblings do something that causes a problem for you or your kids, speak up. Don't tolerate stuff because it's Christmas. You deserve happiness just as much as your kids do.
Try not to compare your kids to your those of your friends and family. They are NOT the same, and it's unfair to want them to be. It's ok to be sad about and maybe even mourn the ways in which your family will never be like others. I think that's normal for us trauma parents. We ache to be able to send out those happy holiday cards and updates, but most people don't want to hear about the new therapy our kid is in, or the new diagnosis they have, or the way they are struggling in school. I know. Almost NO ONE in this world knows the full scope of what goes on inside my house, and I'm ok with that. We may have lots of awful moments where things feel desperate and doomed, but we also have many incredible ones, where I see my kids overcome a challenge or I see them as for a do-over. They may not be Christmas card worthy moments, but they are so special to me, the kids and The Hubs. And THAT'S what matters.
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Wherever it is and whatever this holiday season finds you doing, I hope that you and yours are safe, healthy and as happy as can be expected. We don't need perfection here, just moments of happiness on a sea of 'ok-ness'. The big scary waves may come for you every now and again, but you'll get better at weathering them, and eventually, the seas have longer and longer moments of calm. And if you need a friend, I'll be here, in a lifeboat, bobbing along with a life preserver for you. Just give a shout. fltink@yahoo.com
Happy Holidays, everyone!
