Halloween candy has indeed been rough on me, but so has laziness and stress. All the stress. All the time. Being a mom is really hard. Being a mom to two kids with special needs is wearing me the fuck out. Every day there's a new crisis.... Therapy appointment is changed, 9 year old's panic attack over homework is out of control and she needs help regulating, 6 year old is off his meds and off the wall, had to change 9 year old's teacher due to non-compliance with her 504, another appointment with the principal.... on and on. All you moms of kids from hard places out there feel me. Every day is a new emergency. And a new excuse, really.
But here's the truth of it: I think I want to fuck this all up. Well, I don't, but my subconscious does. Remember when I first started on my quest to find the big-bright-shiny-Jenn-light-that-burns-so-bright, just a couple of months ago? Remember how I kept saying that it was freaking me out that it was so easy? That's because I am not comfortable with taking care of myself. I am not comfortable feeling sexy, healthy, worthy... any of that. The stress and the Halloween candy, they are just self-sabotage really. I can't lie... some part of me is relieved that I am starting to struggle. Some part of me thinks I deserve this fat, motionless, boring life. Screw her. Screw that part of me. Seriously, she's a waste of space. The healthier, energetic, happier me is SO much better.
Today I totally gave in. Today I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, and guess how I felt after? Awful. Not sick-to-my-stomach awful, (I didn't actually eat that much, just stuff I haven't been eating), just gross. I felt heavier, slower, tired, depressed. Yucky enough to realize that I am being dumb. Time to lace the sneakers back up, and tell the elliptical 'Enough sassin' me, I'm back.' Time to make my weight loss tracker stop looking like rolling hills and more like a steep dive off a cliff. Here's hoping my sanity doesn't go with it!
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