As you can see, I have taken a long hiatus from bestowing my snarky humor and witty musings on weight loss with you. (Don't worry, I'm coming back to that in a bit.) That's because it's fucking December and this month wreaks complete and total havoc on my household. If you are a "normal" adult, parenting "neuro-typical" children, you're probably thinking, "Right? Between the shopping, wrapping, baking, cleaning, getting ready for school vacation, etc.? I totally feel ya, girl." And while I appreciate your empathy and agree that that stuff is stressful, my fellow "Trauma Mammas" out there, (or parents raising kids that come from hard places), you get what I mean on a whole different level.
When you are parenting a child who has been through trauma, the holiday season is a veritable shit-show. Think of it like this: When you think of the holidays, those thoughts probably rouse all of your senses, right? You can smell the fresh Christmas tree and the cookies baking in the oven. You hear jingle bells and holiday music. You see blinking lights, holiday decorations and presents. You taste peppermint, eggnog and gingerbread. You feel the warmth of the flames in the fireplace and the chill of the wintry air. (Well, ok, maybe not that last one for us Floridians, but you get the picture.) And all of that probably makes your heart happy because it's conjuring up memories of family, togetherness, giving and receiving and all around joy. That's how I always felt about Christmas. I just loved everything about it. Christmas has always been magical to me.
Now think of it from the perspective of my daughter. The holidays make you think of family... sure. But which family? The family that you live with now, who love and adore you, but who don't look like you, don't share any of your DNA and will never quite be the same as a biological family? Or the family that cast you aside, hurt you and disappeared? (As far as you're concerned.) The season reminds you of your birthday, which unfortunately falls right before Christmas, but not in a fun 'yay-its-my-birthday' kind of way. More like a traumaversary of horrible memories kind of way. And all that stuff that was so fun before.... the candy canes, the holiday music, the snow, the gifts.... they all become triggers, reigniting that primal fear in you, that sense of loss and grief. But you can't get away from those triggers, because they are everywhere. So you just have to learn to cope. At the age of 3.
That sensory immersion that comes with the holiday season, from the Christmas music at the gas station, to the red and green sprinkles on the cookie in your lunch, is constantly bombarding children of trauma with all of those memories... the good, the bad, the painful and the terrifying... constantly. So it's no wonder that this time of year our kiddos get crazy-pants. They are dysregulated, hyperactive, and often times have mood-swings that look like mania. My kids can go from having the time of their lives to complete messes of tears and screams in an eye-blink this time of year. My 6-year-old has been a rage machine for weeks now, going from being perfectly happy, loving and content to throwing anything he can get his hands on, knocking furniture over, and screaming angry words at me, within a moment's notice. For him, it's not just the holidays. He has a lot going on in general, but yes, a child who was removed from his birth family's care at just a few days old is still suffering the effects of trauma. The holidays still make him think of family dynamics and for a kid who's just learning to navigate the terrain of being adopted... figuring out how to field questions from classmates that he shouldn't have to answer about why he's black but has white parents, coming to terms with not knowing his biological parents, etc.... that's a LOT. Way more than I could frickin handle, and I'm supposed to be an adult. I totally get why he melts down. I would too. I do, sometimes, in fact.
Then you have my daughter who makes it her job to get everyone to believe that she is happy and well-adjusted at all times. She went through a lifetime's worth of trauma in a few short years of life, yet she refuses to acknowledge a negative emotion. She's only ever "happy", "excited" and "good". Sounds nice, huh? Sounds easy to parent. Nope. Not at all. She spends so much time performing and putting on a happy face that when the negative stuff reaches its boiling point, man, does she lose it. And it'll never be over her true feelings. It will be over difficult homework, or over frustration with her brother taking her toys. She'll get so angry and so upset that she will hyperventilate, yank at her hair, and hit herself in the head. It's heartbreaking to see, and equally as hard to deal with because while there is so much pain behind it, it's hard not to take her nasty attitude and angry glares personally. And forget getting help! She does such an incredible job of not allowing anyone at school to see her true self, her true fears and emotions, that everyone sees her for the happy, well-adjusted person that she portrays. Why wouldn't they? Except I need them to, in order for us to work together to cultivate an environment in which she does feel safe to be herself. It feels like an impossible task most days.
So take the triggers of the holidays and throw into our household financial struggles, job changes, crazy schedules AND a dying, elderly dog who alternately makes me weep over how much I'll miss her when she's gone and then makes me curse at her leaky bladder and another stain on the rug, and I am about DONE with the holidays. The holidays can go fuck themselves.
.....But realistically, what can I do? What do I do to make this better for my kids? Ok, so firstly, we let them take the lead when it comes to Christmas. They tell us if and when they want decorations up, if and when they want to listen to holiday music, if and when they want to bake cookies. My little guy is totally in love with Christmas lights and likes to spend just about every night in the backseat of the car, riding around from neighborhood to neighborhood, ooh-ing and aah-ing over elaborate holiday displays. He is heartbroken when January hits and people start taking them down.
Also key, we lower our expectations. Yeah, maybe we always dreamed of having a big Christmas Eve open house and having friends gather in our home to celebrate the season. That's not realistic for our kids. That's not setting them up for success, so we don't do it.
We are aware that new triggers can pop up anywhere, so we are on the lookout for them. Holiday memories are very strong because of all those sensory ties. A kid may be doing just fine, and then all of a sudden, that gift reminds them of something they had in foster care, or something they asked Santa for and never got, and we are off to the races. We are prepared for that and as understanding as we can be. And speaking of gifts...
We try to keep it lowkey on presents. (Key word being "try".) Yes, the first year the kids lived with us we lost our minds and tried to spoil them with everything they asked for and more. You know what happened? The new stuff sat there, unopened, and they played with the older, more familiar stuff. We stick with a few things that they really want, some stuff that they need, and a couple of surprises. That way it's not overwhelming. And while we open presents, we let them set the pace. They often want to stop and play with each item they open. That's ok. We let them enjoy and wonder at each toy. Who cares that there's more to open? We'll get to it. Maybe not until tomorrow, but that's ok. No rush.
It's also super important that we, as parents, set the expectations with friends and family. Our kids are NOT required to give hugs and kisses. They are also NOT required to open presents in front of the person who gave it to them, as they can find that embarrassing and uncomfortable. And when they do open presents in front of others, we forewarn that well-meaning family member that they shouldn't be hurt if our daughter acts disappointed in their present. She feels unworthy of any present to begin with and also doesn't know how to handle emotions properly. Prepping relatives with this info in advance helps ease a lot of burden for kiddos.
Even more importantly, when it comes to dealing with family and friends, we don't allow anyone around who isn't a positive person for our kids. Friends who question parenting decisions? Nope. Family members who make vaguely racist or sexist remarks, or inappropriate comments (or ANY comments) about adopted kids? Not a chance. Family members who can't get onboard with what our kids need and end up triggering them? Lost your invite in the mail. It's not worth putting our kids, (OR OURSELVES), through dealing with any of that nonsense. Ever. Not just a Christmastime.
When the meltdowns come, and they will, we do our very best to try and meet each one with love. We don't berate or name-call. We don't point out selfish or self-centered behavior, as the child is in "fight, flight or freeze" mode and therefore everything IS about them in that moment. The Hubs and I try to help give names to our kiddos emotions so they can better understand them, and we reassure them over and over again that there is no behavior, no word, no action that could make us love them any less, or cause them to leave our home. Trust me, I hate storming meltdowns. I hate having to stay calm and having to tolerate things that I would probably never tolerate from a neuro-typical child, but it's what my kids need, so I do it. Then, when they are regulated, I lock myself in the bathroom and scream into a towel. Or cry. Usually both.
No matter what, though... no matter how out of control behavior becomes, Jay and I are careful to never, EVER threaten the kids with Christmas. I mean, we hear it all the time in public: "If you don't listen, Santa won't come!", "Santa is watching you right now." "You don't want to be on the naughty list.", "Have you been good or bad?" And don't even get me started with that fucking scary-ass big brother-esque always-watching elf! Our kids feel pretty unloveable and unworthy All. The. Time. They constantly feel like if they are "bad", someone is going to come take them away or that they will lose your love. It's awful that a kid would ever feel that way to begin with, so making them feel that even more at Christmas is just not fair. Neuro-typical or not, please don't let your kids think that the approval of Santa, or "God", or you, hinges on being "good", especially when a kid doesn't see themselves that way. Our two know that no matter what, Santa is going to come through for them, because they are kind-hearted, loving people, who make mistakes, just like everyone else.
And lastly, we work to establish new traditions with our kids. Ones that they actively participate in, like visiting a favorite location, or attending a specific show that they enjoy. It doesn't even have to be holiday-themed! Who says my new Christmas Eve tradition can't be getting ice cream or going on a bike ride? We let the kids pick things that are special to them, and we include them in our holiday experience each year, so that they understand that they are making their imprint on this family too. (Ours usually turn out to be Disney-related but if you know us, there's nothing surprising about that!)
So that's how I'm getting through. The Hubs and I are doing the best we can to navigate our amazing, brave, wonderful, hurt kiddos through this season, day by day. I'm getting through by reminding myself that it's only temporary and that even though this particular time of year makes me feel like we have taken a couple of steps back, overall my kids have taken enormous leaps forward this year. That gets me though. That and anxiety meds.
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