Now It's Time To Say Goodbye...

      It's no secret, The Wakelin Family spends a good majority of our time, and our money, on Disney. It has been "home" to us for a long time. Even after some admittedly negative experiences as a Cast Member AND as a Guest, I have always loved all things, Disney, because I have loved what it has stood for. I love the notion of working hard to make your dreams a reality, that magic is possible and that love can conquer all. I love how walking into a park, or even starting up a movie can shut out the miserable stuff happening in the 'real world', and take us into our own Fantasyland. I adore all of the amazing memories that we have as a couple and as a family, that are woven all around the Disney parks and products. And to this day, nothing makes me smile quite the same way that seeing Mickey does. Disney has always been a part of us, and we have gladly been a part of it.

But the time for change has come. There is more than one reason, but for starters, it's become totally unaffordable. Prices seem to rise every couple of months, while more and more offerings and entertainment get removed. Guests are charged $20 a person for an 'ok' burger meal, (with magically shrinking portions), $50 to park their car, $100+ a day to get inside the gates, and then even more if they want to use the Genie+ system to reduce their wait times, which they could have previously done for free with a Fastpass. All the while, the housekeepers that clean the trashed resort rooms, the custodians that clean up everything from spilled popcorn to puke, the Guest Relations agents that field complaints and get yelled at all day long... they are all being paid a completely unliveable wage and being asked to work totally unreasonable schedules, that take them away from their families when they are needed the most. Cast Members are living paycheck to paycheck and are constantly having their 'perks' reduced while being asked to work harder, faster, and with bigger smiles on their faces.

Faithful Annual Passholders like us, who spend THOUSANDS of dollars a year on admission, food, and merchandise, have been cast aside, told we don't bring enough revenue into the parks, and our benefits have gotten stripped down to a crappy car magnet and a 10% dining discount in extremely limited locations. Under Chapek's leadership, Disney is catering more and more to the uber-rich, pedaling exclusive events, limited edition, crazy-expensive merchandise, ($1000 mouse ears!), upgraded suites, and villas in the already premium resorts. It's all far more than any of us 'normal' folk could ever imagine. And before you say it, no, Disney has never been cheap, but it was an attainable dream vacation for most middle-class families to experience once a decade or so. Now it seems to be more of a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, and even THAT will break the bank for most.

Let's imagine for a moment that we were one of those families that could spend money without a care. Or even better, let's imagine prices were reasonable for a Disney experience... Even still, I'm not so sure I want one anymore. What??? But Jenn, you LOVE Disney!!! I do. But they've broken my heart.

I think we can all agree that Disney has pretty much the master controlls over Florida. If there were never Disney parks, the Florida economy would be reliant on agriculture instead of tourism, and probably failing, at best. Yes, there are now other tourist draws like Universal, Sea World, even Legoland, and Busch Gardens, but none of them would likely be here without their big brother, The Mouse. And they all still take their lead from Disney. Price hikes at Disney? All parks will follow suit. Disney park policy changes? All the theme parks are on board and changing right behind them. So why the hell did Disney, a company located heavily in Central Florida, where a large percentage of the population is part of the LGBTQIA+ community... A company that just recently added a new "Inclusivity" value to their branding... A company that employs a large number of LGBTQIA+ Cast Members... NOT immediately speak up against Ron DeSantis and his ludicrous "Don't Say Gay' bill??? Why did they not immediately support their Cast and shut the bill down? They have the financial power to do it. So why not? In fact, why are they contributing thousands of dollars to politicians who are now backing this insane bill? Yes, Chapek came out and said that Disney has given to BOTH sides and that the donations were not based on any political stances in this bill and that Disney doesn't back this bill... Blah, blah, blah... Too little, too late. You're supposed to be a family company. How about treating the LGBTQIA+ families that work for you like they are, oh, I don't know... Human? Like they matter as much as everyone else? Instead, Disney is punishing Cast Members for participating in a walk-out over the bill and telling Cast Members they can't wear rainbow pins in support of the walk-out. WHAT????? If you couldn't tell, I'm pretty outraged by this.

Jay and I have made the very hard decision to no longer be Annual Passholders. In a few weeks, we will be done with Disney... For now. I really truly hope that things get better. I have seen many improvements, like Disney's effort to tell stories from non-white perspectives in their newer movies, and their creating of solutions for out-of-date and offensive attractions and films, but it's not enough yet. We will miss the parks a lot. The kids have wonderful memories all over Disney property, and we may still pop into a resort to look around and have some fun, but we are going to save our money until we feel better about backing the organization, and like the organization is backing ALL families.

Mickey, we are genuinely hoping to 'see ya real soon!', but you're gonna have to do better, pal.

It's the Least Wonderful Time of the Year! (Some Help for Parenting Kids from Hard Places During the Holidays)

     Ah, the sweet scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. The sound of 'Jingle Bells' and 'Silent Night' on the radio. The rush of people in the stores and the sight of lights, tinsel and decorations everywhere you look. Do you have the cold sweats yet? If so, you just might be parenting a child with a trauma history! Yes, this time of year that everyone else treasures and looks forward to with delight can be absolute hell for those in our position, (I type, as my dysregulated 8 year old runs around the livingroom, carrying a metal skewer like a saber and threatening to never go to sleep again). The holidays are filled with boobytraps of triggers and memories that can change the mood of our child with no notice and make getting through the season a nightmare. Well, there's good news and bad news. 

     Let's start with the bad news, because... 2020. Nothing is probably going to change the fact that the holidays are hard in our houses anytime soon. You can't erase memories. You can't make the holidays go away. As a parent to a kid from hard places, you are likely always going to struggle this time of year. I'm sorry. I'm there with you. I see you.

     But, here's the good news! #1. You are NOT alone. In fact, pretty much everyone who bothers to read this post is in the same position. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like it. That's because as trauma parents*, in an effort to avoid sharing some of our child's less savory behaviors with the general public, we tend to isolate ourselves. We decline invites, stay home, and barely even talk to our friends over the phone or social media. Even when there is NOT a pandemic confining us to our four walls. But trust me, there's a huge community of parents just like you that get it. Like, really get it. You're going to have to look harder for them, because they are likely hiding out too, but they are there. Find a local support group, or even an online one and suddenly, you won't feel so alone. You'll feel seen and understood. Don't know where to start? Feel free to join my Facebook page, Central Florida Adoptive Parents. (No worries if you're not from Florida.) Or do a google search for groups in your own area. 

     And here's good news #2: There ARE things you can do to try and make your holiday season a little bit easier. Can you change your child's reaction to certain triggers? No. Are you going to suddenly have a holly jolly Christmas? Probably not. So, WTF, Jenn, right? What can I do? Walk with me...

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1. Set a Low Bar. Lower. Lower. Riiiight There. 

     Our kiddos have a lot to deal with on a daily basis, but the holidays make things especially complicated. Think about it. The theme of the holiday season is all about love, family and togetherness. Oh man, do our kids have a hard time with that stuff! So expectations need to be set super low. Don't allow your family of origin's traditions set the bar for you. Your kid isn't you. And you aren't your parents. (I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.) While holiday traditions are important and should absolutely be maintained when they can, they tend to set us up for disaster with our kiddos. Don't expect your child to want to wear matching family pajamas or have that Kodak-ready smile when they open their gifts. You're possibly just going to be disappointed and end up with hurt feelings. 

     This is particularly important when it comes to the subject of gifts. A lot of kids who come from hard places have a difficult relationship with 'stuff'. It could be that they never got to keep their stuff. They moved from foster home to foster home and each time, the things that they thought of as theirs got left behind. Or maybe they had a bio-parent who sold all of their stuff, or destroyed it. Nothing seems permanent, so eventually, they become indifferent to the 'stuff'. Or you could have a child who is trying to fill a hole in their heart and they hope that maybe the 'stuff' will do it. The problem is that nothing ever is enough to fill that hole and it leaves the child looking ungrateful and spoiled. (Trust me, they are NOT ungrateful, even though it feels that way.) And even if there is no hard relationship with 'stuff', most neuro-typical* kids don't know how to react to gifts, so expecting our kiddos to know is unfair. Their faces and body language don't always match their feelings. (You may want to warn well-meaning friends and family members about this too, in an effort to thwart hurt feelings as gifts are open. See Tip #2!)

* neuro-typical refers to a child who likely has had a more conventional and healthy upbringing and does not have diagnosed learning, emotional or behavioral challenges

     The first couple of years that The Hubs and I were parenting our then 4 year old daughter, we really missed the mark on Christmas. We could not figure out why this child did not seem to care about her more fancy and (in our opinions) more exciting gifts (aka more expensive), and why the only gifts she'd oooh and aaah over were the crappy dollar store items. Why at six years old was she abandoning her games and dolls and playing with her baby brother's light up, musical toys? Why did she looked pissed off when she would open some items and sad when she opened others? Why, each time she opened a gift that she was excited about, would she insist on playing with it right away, leaving an unopened pile of gifts in front of her? Didn't she want to know what else she got? And oh man, twenty minutes into opening, look out! She'd lose her crap and become angry, emotional, or have a total meltdown. What the heck, kid? It's Christmas. Lighten up.

     The good news is, a couple of years in, we became more trauma-informed and we got better. We made necessary changes. We lowered our bar. We started understanding that she had no concept of these "nice" gifts being expensive or heartfelt. What kid does? She knew that when she was in foster care, every now and then she would get treated to a dollar store toy, or a McDonald's Happy Meal toy. As a result, THAT was the stuff she treasured, so we started buying more of it. When she was his age, my daughter never got the baby toys that her brother was receiving as gifts, so those fascinated her. We started aging down her Christmas gifts and letting her have the stuff that seemed 'too young' for her. In fact, this year, at 12, she is getting her first real Barbie dolls, because she's just now at a stage where she is ready for them and wants them. (Please, please baby girl... stay this youthful and innocent as long as you can! I'll buy you Barbies when you're 16 if you want! Just stay away from boys and drugs!) We learned that her face almost never matched her internal emotions, so we didn't take pictures of opening gifts and even tried to avoid everyone focusing on her while she opened stuff. And we totally stopped taking her reactions, or lack there of, personally. Some gifts reminded her of happier or sadder times. Sitting in those feelings, and not having the words to put to them is impossibly hard for a kid. Have patience. Remember that your child probably has no filter and can't put on a happy face, even though that's often what we were taught to do as kids. 

     Also, now, our Christmas mornings take a loooong time, often stretching into the afternoon, or even evening*. We are in no hurry to open presents and are on no set schedule. We let the kids open stuff and play with it as they choose. If they want to spend hours setting up a new toy, or holding a new doll, we let them. It's a good thing. Oh, and even if they don't ask to stop and play, we work in breaks. Fifteen minutes in, we make sure we stop and get some food in their bellies, and dump some coffee in ours, to avoid hangriness and sleepy impatience. 

* This makes me sound super spoiled and privileged. We would need breaks if we only had 4 presents. Some years we have had less, others we have had more, and for that, I am very grateful. 

2. Don't Force Anything

     If you want your holiday season to be as smooth as possible, don't make your kiddo do things you know they can't handle. And yes, sometimes the child telling you they don't want to do something means they can't handle it. Listen! You're not 'letting them get out of it', you're meeting a need. If you know sitting in a 2 hour Christmas vigil at church is going to be a disaster, make an alternative plan. If your kiddo tells you there are certain relatives they don't want to see, make up an excuse and let them bail. Oh, and for 2020....For the love of god, don't make them Zoom if they don't want to! You can always send your family member a text and explain that your child won't be joining you on your video chat, so they have a head's up, but video calling is so hard for our kids sometimes! Remember how we talked about their face not always matching their emotions, no filter, etc? Now add a screen to it. No bueno. Don't make them open presents on Zoom, or even really in front of anyone outside of your immediate family if possible. You can always have them send a carefully checked over by you thank you card after the fact. 

     You will probably have to help your friends and family adjust their expectations of your kid too. That's ok. And if for some reason, they are closed off to that idea or offended, they are NOT the supportive person that your kid needs in their life anyway. Trust me, I have lost LOTS of friends and family on this journey. The ones who stick around and bear with us more than make up for the lack of presence of those family members and friends who couldn't understand our family. 

3. Give the Gift of Compassion

     If you are raising a child with a trauma history, at some point, your kiddo was an innocent little baby, who had bad things happening to them, through no fault of their own. The people in their lives who were supposed to care for them and love them let them down. They hurt their very soul. Even if your child was fortunate enough to be adopted at birth and brought right into a happy, safe and loving home, they have a primal wound from being raised by someone other than the woman who carried them. (If these are foreign concepts to you, or you're having trouble buying into them, please do some research on childhood trauma and adoption. There are lots of great resources. One of the very best is The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis.) These early childhood traumas echo into adult years. 

     When you are really struggling with your child's behavior, remind yourself of their pain. Remember that all behavior is communication. They want you to know that they are hurting. Take a minute to find the compassion in your heart for your precious child. (Especially when they don't seem precious. Like when they are throwing things at you, or destroying your favorite things.) You might even want to keep a photo of when you first met your kiddo handy, to remind yourself of their innocence and of all the things you love about them. Once you can connect with the place of compassion in your heart, it will make things much easier. It becomes you and your kid against their history, not your kid against you. 

     Keep in mind that there are triggers absolutely EVERYWHERE over the holidays! So many of our memories are connected to our senses and those senses are being bombarded at Christmastime! The sweet smell of cookies may remind you of warmth and love at grandma's house on Christmas Eve, but it may remind your child of the time that they tried to make their bio-mom cookies and burnt them, and then got hurt for their mistake. Does that mean you can't bake cookies? No. It just means that you need to be aware of how your kiddos are reacting to things, invite them to share feelings, and maybe make small changes if you see them struggling. If your child is old enough, ask them what they love or don't like about the holidays. You might be surprised what traditions they would like to start, or what stuff is hard for them. Communication is key. 

4. Give the Gift of Compassion... To Yourself

     Parenting kids with trauma histories is hard-ass work. Give yourself a break! Not necessarily literally, because let's be real, you're likely not getting a break anytime soon, but don't be so hard on yourself. Show yourself some grace. Secondary or care-giver trauma is a very real thing. You live in a state of hypervigilance and anxiety. That's exhausting. You are human and you are not always going to be a connected, caring and compassionate parent. My very favorite mental health professional, the amazing Robyn Gobbel, shared some life-changing words of wisdom at a retreat a few years ago. I'm paraphrasing, so Robyn, I apologize if I am off a little bit, but what you said was gold, so I need to share. She said that you're only going to get this parenting thing right the first time about one third of the time. That's reasonable, right? I can totally do one third great parenting! Cool. So then, one third of the time, you're gonna mess up. You're going to be dysregulated, disconnected, distracted and NOT the best parent you can be. That's ok. It's expected. The third that matters the very most is the third that you spend in repair mode. One third of the time you need to be showing yourself some compassion. Letting yourself get regulated. Saying, 'Hey, I messed that up. I could have done it better. I'm gonna try again.' In that third of time, you are going to ask your kiddo for a redo. Yes, you are actually going to admit to your human-ness to your own child!!! You are going to let them know that just like them, you reacted without thinking and there's a better way. THAT is where the magic is, my friends. That's the special sauce. Those moments of recovery and repair will teach your child how to also amend their own mistakes. It will show them that everyone messes up and that messing up doesn't make them a bad kid. It makes them human. This is a critical message for our children to receive. In this third of time, you will be giving your traumatized child the gift of a lifetime, and that is being the best parent you can be. 

     Now, as for actual breaks, take 'em where you can get 'em. 5 minutes in the bathroom alone? Take it! 15 minutes in the car to run an errand? Take it! A moment with your face in a cabinet while you mime the scream that you are feeling inside? Take it! If you are fortunate enough to be co-parenting with someone else, get good at asking for what you need. Have a code word to 'tag' each other out when you just can't deal with your child's meltdown anymore. Or maybe even more importantly, know when to 'tag' out your partner when you see that they are getting dysregulated themselves. Remember that you cannot regulate a child while you are dysregulated yourself! Put on your own oxygen mask first. 

     If you're not co-parenting, (bless you), ask your kid for a time-out if you can. I know it sounds crazy, but this goes back to that idea of modeling what you want them to learn. Say to your kiddo, (when they are semi-regulated and it is safe to do so), 'Hey, buddy, Mama needs a break! How about we grab an ice cream/take a drive/take a minute/watch a show?' Whatever works. No matter what, the most important part is that you don't beat yourself up about the screw-ups. They are going to happen. Your one mess up didn't destroy all the progress that you have made. You'll have chances to do it better another time. I promise. 

5. Resist the Urge to Threaten with Christmas

     I know you've done it in the past. I know you'll likely do it at some point in the future. It happens to all of us. "If you don't (fill in the blank with desired behavior), I'm going to tell Santa/take away gifts/cancel Christmas!" It's an easy threat and may often yield the response you're looking for, but at what cost? Shouldn't our kids know that their struggles can't leave them out of holiday traditions or get them banished to the "Naughty List"? After all, if that were the case, most of us may find ourselves there too! Our kids deserve to know that nothing they do gets the delights and pleasures of the holidays removed from their lives. Again, this is a holiday that's all about togetherness and family. Telling your kid that they will be left out if they don't act a certain way is basically confirming (at least in their acceptance-seeking minds) their deepest fears that this is all temporary or that you don't want them as part of your family. To quote a very smart Mama that I know... "You can't lose Christmas." Try to remember this in those most trying of moments and find an alternative way to work toward changing behaviors. 

     And while we are at it, please don't employ Santa or The Elf as the 'Good Behavior Police'.  Our kiddos already feel like they are being watched and scrutinized enough as it is, between parents, teachers, siblings, themselves... They don't need a bearded man or a creepy little elf judging them too. It instills the belief in our kids that one "bad" choice or action can cancel out all of their good ones and that's not a helpful life lesson, particularly for a kid who may struggle more than others. That's not to say you can't do Elf on a Shelf or talk about Santa as part of your holiday traditions. Just don't use them as a holiday surveillance system. It's just not necessary and you'll see far more negative effects than positive ones in the long run. 

6. Break Traditions

     I'm not talking about your family sing-a-long or your traditional meal, necessarily. I'm talking about the stuff that restricts and restrains us parents. Our ideas of what is 'supposed to be', the way we 'should act', and the way our kids 'should behave' is often set by what our family's expectations are. We bring our own crap to the table, especially at the holidays. Yes, you probably have lots of lovely, happy memories, but you have bad ones too. Maybe even traumatizing ones. Know what your own issues are and work on them when you can. Get a good therapist, or in the very least a good friend who can listen without judgement. Don't keep the tradition of family arguments and unhealthy behaviors alive. If your parents or siblings do something that causes a problem for you or your kids, speak up. Don't tolerate stuff because it's Christmas. You deserve happiness just as much as your kids do. 

     Try not to compare your kids to your those of your friends and family. They are NOT the same, and it's unfair to want them to be. It's ok to be sad about and maybe even mourn the ways in which your family will never be like others. I think that's normal for us trauma parents. We ache to be able to send out those happy holiday cards and updates, but most people don't want to hear about the new therapy our kid is in, or the new diagnosis they have, or the way they are struggling in school. I know. Almost NO ONE in this world knows the full scope of what goes on inside my house, and I'm ok with that. We may have lots of awful moments where things feel desperate and doomed, but we also have many incredible ones, where I see my kids overcome a challenge or I see them as for a do-over. They may not be Christmas card worthy moments, but they are so special to me, the kids and The Hubs. And THAT'S what matters. 

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     Wherever it is and whatever this holiday season finds you doing, I hope that you and yours are safe, healthy and as happy as can be expected. We don't need perfection here, just moments of happiness on a sea of 'ok-ness'. The big scary waves may come for you every now and again, but you'll get better at weathering them, and eventually, the seas have longer and longer moments of calm. And if you need a friend, I'll be here, in a lifeboat, bobbing along with a life preserver for you. Just give a shout. fltink@yahoo.com

Happy Holidays, everyone! 

NOT the Win I Wanted

      Refresh.... refresh... refresh... Are we safe from tyranny or are we not? Are the marriages of my friends going to be delegitimized or not?..... Refresh.... Do women have the right to their own bodies, or are we handmaids?....Refresh.... Are we done being the laughing stock of the world, or not?.... Refresh.... Is the acceptance of hatred and rampant racism going to come to an end, or just expand?... REFRESH....Is anyone going to do anything about the rising number of COVID cases again, or not?.....

     Each time the tiny map pops up on my phone, I hold my breath, hoping to see the angry red dots fading into a cool, calm blue, but so far there's rarely any change. I know there are other elections that have taken a long time to decide, but at the moment, I can't recall ever having cared. (Hanging my head in shame.) I never had a ton of interest in politics. Since the very first time I could vote, I have always voted Democrat. My experiences of moving away from home, working with a hugely diverse group of people at Disney, and living my everyday life had taught me to be pretty open-minded and for my beliefs to align more closely with liberals than conservatives. I knew voting was an important right to exercise, and I did, but honestly, I was never super invested. And yes, since my young adult years a lot has changed that would increase my level of interest in politics and the economy. I'm now married. I am now a mom. My kids go to school. Safety is important to me. I pay taxes and worry about my future and hope I can one day retire. I hope to hand down to my kids a healthy planet that is cleaner than the one they entered into. My kids have special needs that require governmental services and support. I worry about my family's health and the type of care we would get if we need it. But the number one factor that concerns me in the United States today and makes me passionate about politics, is race. 

     Time for another shameful confession... I was not nearly as concerned about racism as I should have been prior to adopting two Black children. Yes, I have always been against racism and have always wanted equal rights for all, but the subject of racism and inequality was never one that was all-consuming in my life. I did not know quite how deeply racism guts a person, how dehumanizing it is, until it touched the lives of my children. That's not something that is ok by any means. I am ashamed of that. The 'If-It-Doesn't-Happen-To-Me-I-Don't-Have-To-Do-Anything-About-It' attitude is one that is destroying America as we speak. I am thankful to be able to say that my husband and I are doing the work and learning more and more about using our position of privilege for good every day, (and are more than happy to help educate others around us, whether they ask us to or not!), but it shouldn't have been the burden of my Black children to be the reason that we started learning more. It shouldn't be ANY person of color's job to make  you care. To make you into a decent human being. You just should care about your fellow human beings. Your fellow Americans. Just cuz. You should trust their lived experiences and their truth as though it was that if your own child's and you should help make things better with the same vigor and passion. 

     But, ya didn't. Almost HALF of the country decided that the lives of Black Americans weren't worth as much as those of already-privileged White Americans. Almost HALF of the country wanted to re-elect a tyrant. A bully. A racist bigot who's Islamophobia, homophobia and sexism is only trumped (pun intended) by his rampant hatred toward people of color. He showed his racist colors over and over again, for the past four years, calling Black Lives Matter members terrorists, singing the praises of White Supremacists, and calling on the Proud Boys to 'stand by'.... directly threatening the lives of all Black Americans. And still... or maybe because of that... Almost HALF of you still voted for him. Ok, ok. You don't like Biden. That's cool. I get that. You have strong feelings about the economy, or being pro-life, or our borders, that you just can't agree with a Democrat on. Ok. But you also knew what your were consenting to when you checked that Republican box in this election. You knew this wasn't a Democrat vs. Republican race. Not this time. This was a Right vs. Wrong, a Good vs. Evil, a Dictatorship vs. a Democracy race. And Almost HALF the country made the WRONG choice. 

     But now the race is over and Good has won, thanks mostly to Black Americans, who came out in droves to elect a new leader, and to elect the first ever female Vice President. So now what? We win, right? Battle over. Stop your whining. Let's all be friends now, right? Well I can tell you this: These were not the results I was hoping for. I wanted to see a shut out. I wanted Americans to raise one, harmonious voice to say "no more"! I wanted the numbers of people that voted against 45's hate to be undeniable, but the bumbling idiot is on camera spewing about voter fraud, law suits and not leaving the White House. You can see from the hideous smirk on his face that he is pleased with how close the race was and how many Americans are still his blind followers, even though he knows he has lost. We did NOT shut down hate. Far from it. Almost HALF of us condoned it and that kills me. In an attempt to not be a total Debbie Downer, I will of course acknowledge the massive numbers of voters that got to the polls this year. We successfully engaged young adults in politics, bringing the largest number of 18-25 year olds into the voting arena than ever before. We have taken the House and are super close to flipping the Senate. We elected Representatives and Senators of varied ethnic backgrounds, religions, sexual orientations and genders, including our first ever openly transgender state senator. And the second-in-command for our whole country is a woman. A multi-racial, kick-ass woman. That is HUGE! We did a lot of good work. There is much to be proud of. 

     While the race toward the Presidency is over, the race toward equality and the end of racism is just starting. We are at least playing on a more fair course that we were over the past few years, but we still have plenty of battles ahead of us. And while I too dream of a country where people can disagree on policies and politics, but still get along and still respect one another, that concept is just smoke and mirrors until we make some major strides toward racial equality. Give your Black friends and family and their White allies time to be mad. Let them be heartbroken that the race was so close. Let them feel the weight of that, and then remind them that you are there for them. Don't know how to be there for them? DO THE WORK! Learn. There are plenty of articles, books, support groups, websites and so many resources to help you learn to be the best ally you can be. Follow Black activists and artists like @ShaunKing on social media. Most importantly though, LISTEN. When your Black friends and colleagues speak and share their experiences, listen. Take it in. Don't "not ALL white people" them. Don't "well I voted Democrat" them. Don't "not me" them. Just LISTEN. Listen and learn. You don't need Black children, grandchildren, in-laws, cousins, coworkers, partners or even friends to have racism be a relevant issue to you, because the fact is this: Racism is NOT a Black person issue. It's a White person issue. It should be YOUR issue. And if it hasn't been in the past, good news!!! You can still make it your issue now! We are counting on it.  

     There is much to celebrate tonight. I love seeing people dancing in the streets and honking car horns, waving Biden/Harris signs in triumph. But I also know that for every person in the street celebrating, there's another one in their house somewhere, upset that the Liberals won this time and determined to slap them back down into place. Stay safe, my friends. Stay vigilant. Get in some good trouble and get to WORK. We've come so far, but we still have SO far to go.

Lifestyles of the (Faux) Rich and (Totally NOT) Famous

     Know what really sucks? Money. Money sucks. I know it's uncouth and maybe even vulgar to talk about money, but here are two realities: 1.) I really don't give a shit. 2.) Unless you are lucky enough to be in the 1%, money is a problem for almost everyone, so why not talk about it? In fact, I would say that next to making sure that I am the best parent I can possibly be for my kiddos, money, (or our lack-there-of), takes up a pretty large percentage of my thoughts and an even larger percentage of my worries. Can we give the kids a decent Christmas? Do I have the money for the car payment? Do we have rent on time this month, or at all this month? And I hate ALL of it.

     Right from the get-go though, I want to say this: It's not lost on me that we are very, very privileged to have the worries that we have. We have a roof over our heads. A super nice roof, in a super nice house, in a super nice neighborhood. It's all rented, but we still get to live here. We have plenty of food in our fridge. (Really too much food in our fridge is what started this blog in the first place, isn't it?) We've been on cruises and vacations in the past that some people only dream of. We have modes of transportation and we even get to spend a lot of time on Disney property. And to top it all off, we have several fantastic friends and family members who love and care about us. We are lucky, lucky bastards. But the truth is, we probably shouldn't be doing or having most of what we do. It's been a rough few years for us, financially. Job changes, lots of outputting of money for things for our kids, including services and our income is way down from where it was.

     Five years ago, The Hubs and I both had great paying jobs in sales. We worked hard and played hard. We got to vacation in France. We got to buy things we not only needed but also things we wanted. We didn't have to worry much about bills being paid because we could pretty much always cover it. We had great health insurance through work and out of cost fees weren't an issue. We also did not have kids.

     Yes, it was the best thing that could possibly ever happen to one human being to meet our kiddos and get to make them part of our family, but man, those suckers are expensive! Not only do kids cost a lot of money, but their needs put a huge limit on how much time we as parents can commit to work. It's no secret that our maternity and paternity leave in the US is a joke compared to the rest of the world, but we also struggle to be able to care for our kids on a day to day basis and still balance work, because our living wages are abysmal. I am so fortunate to have an incredibly flexible job, but when I have to take some extra time off because my kiddo with sensory processing disorder is having a meltdown, or because my daughter is having a panic attack, it costs me. And if you are the parent of a kiddo with a trauma history, you are so gonna feel me on this, but can we just talk about how expensive everyday life is for these kids? There are therapies, activities to keep them engaged and strengthen their social skills, tutors, IEP advocates, medications and treatments, tools like wobble cushions and weighted blankets... You just basically hemorrhage money. Again, best money ever spent, but it's overwhelming. And just one tiny event can send you into a hole that feels impossible to dig your way out of. Welcome to my life. We seem to find hole after hole. One step forward, two steps back. That kinda thing. It's exhausting.

     Our most recent 'step back' came in the form of a car accident for me back in late February. My already piece-of-crap of a car was totaled and my injuries have put me out of commission quite a bit. I can't really elaborate for legal reasons, but I am happy to report that I was not at fault and that myself and my passenger are on the road to recovery, but between the costs of having to get a new piece-of-crap car and time off of work, having to go to physical therapy and appointments multiple times a week, etc, it has sucked donkey balls. Not to mention.... it put me into a tailspin of depression, lack of motivation for anything, and even incapacitation at times, and as a result, I have regained HALF of my lost weight. Fuck. Me.

     So, here we are... faux rich, and so NOT famous. Why do I say "faux rich"? Because to the outside world, we probably look pretty comfortable: car, large (read: expensive to climate control but locked into a great school zone) house complete with pool (read: cash guzzler), occasional travel (read: flight benefits as an airline employee), and so much more. But the silent truth is that we struggle to make ends meet on a day to day basis. We have zero savings and no backup plans and that feels scary.

     My kids know it, too. I don't want them to know, but they are observant. They get that we never go out to eat anymore and that we've cut way back on the fun extras that they were used to when they first moved in and we had higher incomes. They get that Mamma had to fight with the doctor's office to get anxiety meds refilled without having health insurance and without paying a $200 office visit fee. They get that sometimes it's not worth the gas to go somewhere. They get that groceries have to be on sale to be purchased, no matter how yummy they look. They get all of it. I don't ever want them to have to take on any of my worries though. They have enough of their own. So we still try to make sure they have fun and that they get to feel special and amazing. We spend time with them, unplugged from technology and engaged. But they see the worry in our eyes. I am sure of it.

     We are genuinely doing the best we can. The Hubs works hard at his job, in the hopes to move up soon. I work whatever I can at my part-time job, and I also keep my gig facilitating post-adoption support groups, and blogging. Not huge money-makers, but every little bit helps.  We have cut waaaaay back on expenses, and have found small, happy surprises in doing so. We got rid of cable and satellite tv. We were super tv addicted and were really sad to cut the chord. Turns out, we don't need it and we spend a lot less time zoned out in front of the screen, which is awesome. Now, we are not complete animals... we do have Netflix. And Amazon. And Hulu. Oh man. We may have a problem.

     The point of all of this is just to say that money troubles blow and if you have them, you're not in it alone. In fact, this particular pool is overcrowded as hell and I think someone just peed.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of the Year!!!

     It's almost the first weekend in March, and for me, that means it is about to be one of the happiest weekends of my entire year! Why, you ask? Because this weekend, a flock of over 100 women who are all parenting kiddos from hard places, who all GET me, who all SEE me, who don't judge me or my kids and who are as equally excited to connect with me as I am with them, are descending upon Orlando. I am a member of a non-profit group that supports parents who are raising kiddos with trauma backgrounds, and this retreat is the event that the whole year centers around for that group. The weekend provides much-needed rest, recovery, learning and recharging for me, and lots of other moms. This is my fourth year attending and by now I have many, many friends at this retreat and I'm excited to hug each of them, but I am the MOST excited, to see my Hippos. Not these:

Though they are SUPER cute!

My Hippos. See, last year, by some sort of magical happenstance, I ended up sharing a house at our retreat with 11 of the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We had an awesome weekend together, bonding, relating and laughing... a LOT. When the weekend was over, I know that we all needed each other, or at least, I needed them, so I started a FaceBook group just for us, and the rest is history. We have spent the last year supporting one another, loving one another, and patching up one another's wounds. We have been through breakups, breakdowns, new kiddos, kiddos leaving home, milestones and momentous occasions of all kinds. We mostly talk through FaceBook, which may seem impersonal, but to us, it is deeply, deeply personal. Sometimes the only lifeline I have is these ladies. Sometimes I have a day where Jay is at work, one kid is melting down and destroying the house, and the other is angry at me and the world and cannot be consoled. I feel like an awful mother and yet there, on the other end of a post, or a chat, or a text.... there's a fellow mom... a ROCKSTAR mom... who thinks I'm doing a good job. She gets what I'm going through. She's supportive, but can also tenderly teach me how to be even better. She's one of 11 different women, each with different stories, but with all the same loving hearts. Some of us don't even really know each other very well, truth be told, yet there's a kinship about us that transcends acquaintanceship. It's sisterhood. And I am beyond lucky to have found it. 

     One thing I always felt like my life was lacking was strong female friendships. Perhaps it's because when we are younger, women are trained to NOT trust one another, to not even like one another really. Perhaps it's the younger version of me constantly needing to compare myself to other women and always feeling like I came up short. Either way, I didn't have many female friends in my 20's and early 30's. Yes, I have a few friends who have been in my life for a long time, but life has a way of pulling you away from one another with schedules and lifestyles. Add to that being the mom of kids that come from challenging backgrounds, and I'm on a WHOLE different level from most women I know. This life is hard to relate to. It's hard to tolerate. Most other women don't want to be around a friend who constantly has to cancel plans due to sensory meltdowns or behavioral issues, or whose kid can be difficult to be around sometimes due to their needs. I get that. Parenting kids with trauma is isolating and lonely, but somehow I am lucky enough to have these incredible women supporting and encouraging me. And not just them, I have been fortunate enough that I have found several female friends, outside of my Hippos, with whom I have bonded and found a deep connection in the past couple of years. Each of them accepts me and my family and loves us, even though they may not be able to relate, and I appreciate them just as much as I do my Hippos. 

     I cannot wait for this weekend! I need some Hippo hugs and some time with my ladies and ALL the ladies at the retreat. I need a recharge and a reset. Each year, I come back to The Hubs and my kiddos a better mom and a better wife. These women... these amazing women... make me the best version of me. And I wish for every woman on the planet to find their own Hippos, too. 

     Oh wait... I never explained why I am calling them "Hippos". Haha.... weird. Ok, well the actual reason is because last year's retreat had a Wonder Woman theme and our house was called the Hippolyta Heroines, but since none of us could remember that, we kept calling our house, "the Hippo house", and the name stuck. But it's a fitting name anyway, since hippos look sweet, slow and docile, but when it comes to protecting their home and their family, hippos are one of the most dangerous creatures on Earth. Mamma Hippo will cut a bitch if need be. I can relate.

I'm Coming Out...

     .....no, not THAT way. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, it's all a spectrum anyway, but that's not where I'm going with this. I'm coming out as the writer of this blog. I've decided that it's time to start sharing with other people out there in this strangely cyber-connected, yet isolating and disconnected world that we live in. Not because what I write is phenomenal, mind-blowing wisdom that the world will beg to have bestowed upon them, (I mean... it is...), but because 1.) I'm ready to increase some accountability on myself. Make myself more visible to my friends and family, and therefore, maybe hold myself to a higher standard of writing, sharing and committing. And 2.) I know for a fact that there are other women that go through things that I go through, who live similar lifestyles and have similar circumstances and can relate to and connect with what I'm saying. And that's really all each of us craves in life, isn't it? Connection. Acceptance. The affirmation that we are not the sole weirdo having our weird thoughts. So I figure, if I can bring that to just one person, it's worth sharing my life with the world.

     So, for those of you who are new here, welcome to my corner of the world and the underside of my random thoughts in my brain. If you know me personally, you know that I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a Disney fanatic, an occasional writer, a sarcastic weirdo, and let's call it what it is, a chubby chick. But like all women, all people, I am much more than that. There are parts of me that even I have yet to discover and I'm really starting to like that about myself. This April, I will turn 40 and it seems like an appropriate time to reflect back on where I have been and to dream about where I am headed. I've been on a bit of a "life quest", if you will, for the past six months or so, which you are welcomed to go back and read about in my very first post, and I already feel like I am a much better person for it. Not because I am thinner, or healthier, or anything other than more accepting of myself and, to quote Ashlee Simpson's pre-recorded SNL track, all the "pieces of me".

     That being said, I am thinner. 40 lbs down in fact! Which is awesome, yet I managed to turn it into a disappointment in myself. If you've been reading along, you know that I lost the 40 pounds pretty quickly, within a couple of months of starting this blog. I had hoped that by now I would be down even more, BUT riiiiiight as I was getting angry at myself for not making much of an effort over the past few months to lose more weight, I said to myself, "Hey, Ding-Dong.... you maintained a 40-pound weight loss without much effort. THAT'S a friggin accomplishment!" So I'm trying to go with that, ya know? See? I'm learning!

     I do feel healthier. I do feel happier. I do feel better, overall, so there's no downside here. I took a hiatus from blogging because I was feeling bad about my lack of forward motion, but I need to keep learning the lesson that our progress and success in life isn't always a linear thing. Sometimes we make a big ol' loop back into shitty before we rocket forward. All I did was slow down a bit. But I'm still here, still sarcastic, and still trying to find my big ol' shiny Jenn-light that burns so bright.

Oh and I have a new dog who makes me SO happy! 

You Say You Want a Resolution?

Happy New Year, one and all!

     As I sit here, four hours away from 2019, I gotta say, I will be so frickin glad to slam the forking door on 2018. Man, this year SUUUUCKED. Between the abysmal state of our nation and the shit show of the year that we have been handling in our household, I am done with 2018. Bring on 2019.

     Now, I realize that nothing really changes when the new year rolls in. It's simply hours later than sucky 2018 was, but I think all of us like to see it as a fresh start. And as a result, we make ridiculous resolutions, promising ourselves that we are going to be better, healthier, stronger, smarter, skinnier, whatever-er. This year we are going to reach all of our goals. This year we are going to be the best versions of ourselves. Except we are really just setting ourselves up to be let down by ourselves, again. We set unattainable, silly goals for ourselves because we are so disgusted with what's "wrong" with us. We can't even take a moment to find what is "right" with us, and THAT is wrong.

     Well, this year, I'm not having it! My resolution is to NOT have any insane resolutions. I am going to be reasonable with myself, accept my faults, and realize that I am only human and prone to mood swings, mistakes, and general fuck-ups. I'm going to stop pressuring myself to be the perfect parent, the perfect friend or the perfect anything. This is me, in 2019, accepting and loving me as I am. And I have a feeling that all the other stuff I want for myself... more money, less pounds, more happiness... will come as a result of that acceptance.

     I hope you will make the same promise to yourself. You're worth it. You deserve it. Now, get out there and GET 2019, Girl! (Or Guy!) Happy New Year!