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| Photo credit: CBS News |
Ok, still here? Cool. All of that being said, I need to relate it back to something that I encountered the other day. I had a brush with sexual harassment that I really should NOT be downplaying. I should NOT feel like it doesn't matter. I should NOT have been apologetic for it, but I was, because that's the world we live in. That's rape culture. Alive and well, and about to be voted into the highest court in all the land, in just a few hours time.
It wasn't a huge deal, (see, there I go again), but it is bothering me so much. I had just pulled into my driveway after picking the Littles up from school, and a neighbor called out to me, asking for a lawn care contact. He was fixing up the house that he owns, after renters had moved out, and he needed the yard taken care of. When he approached the driveway, he realized that I was struggling with my little guy, who was refusing to leave the car. Trauma creates these fun-filled meltdowns at random times that are often seemingly impossible to deal with. The neighbor tried to help out, and trick my little dude into leaving the car to come show him how tall he is, or how fast he could run, but he wasn't biting. Eventually, the neighbor offered to show him how the house repairs were going, and that struck my son as interesting enough to abandon his automotive fortress. The two kids and I walked over to the house, and toured the inside, briefly saying hello to a gentleman who was tinkering with the locks. As we checked out the pool, and the kitchen, I felt the repairman's eyes on me in a super uncomfortable way. I was in a thrown-on sundress, with my hair tossed in a top knot, makeup-less, and sweating from dealing with my kid's meltdown in the 95 degree driveway. Usually when people are looking at me in those scenarios, I can tell it's either out of pity, or wondering if I'm about to keel over. This felt totally different. (Yes, eye contact can feel different. Ask any woman.) It felt predatory. I was happy to leave the house and head back home after a few minutes.
As we got to the end of the neighbor's driveway, I heard the repairman yelling out, "Hey, hey-hey, hey!" Assuming he was talking to the home owner, I ignored him and kept heading to my house. The next thing I knew, he aggressively was patting my shoulder, still saying, "Hey, hey, hey!" Polite, gentle-mannered female that I am trained to be, I turned and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, did you need something?" He stepped WAY too close, into my personal space and leaned into me. He said, "I like the way you look very much. What is your name?" (English was not his first language, but he certainly spoke it well enough to understand what he was saying to me was NOT appropriate to be saying to a clearly married woman, with her wedding ring intact.) I was totally skeeved out, but as I am 'supposed to', I told him my name and listened to his. When he aggressively, and without having been invited to do so, took my hand and was holding it near his chest, I tried pulling back gently, not wanting to offend, (Lucky me, this man was interested in me!), but he squeezed tighter. He continued, "You look very beautiful. I like you very much. Let's get together." Blushing, I said, "Oh, thank you, but I am married. These are my kids." (Oh yeah, my friggin' KIDS were still standing at my feet, right next to this man, who was pawing at my hand, against my will.) He said, "That's ok. We can be close, close friends. Give me your number. We will get together." Now I was starting to freak out a bit. The neighbor was still standing at the top of his driveway, within earshot. Why wasn't he stepping in? I tried pulling away more forcefully, still saying, "Aw, thank you so much, but no thanks. I don't do that," but he held my hand and now wrist, tighter. "Come on," he continued to insist. I caught a glimpse of my daughter's eyes, and my stomach turned at the balls of this man, acting this way in front of my kids, let alone me. "NO,", I said, and finally pulled away. I walked quickly back to the house, and locked the door behind me, never looking back.
What the HELL??? I immediately texted the neighbor: "How well do you know that gentleman", (Yes, I was still referring to him as a 'gentleman'!!!), "in your house? He just made me super uncomfortable." The guy texted back, "Sorry about that. He said he wanted to ask you for water, but then got taken by your beauty." What the serious FUCK? You buy that, dude? Oh no, wait... you are living up to YOUR part of our shitty-ass culture that thinks women should be flattered by any sort of attention, so you will defend his gross behavior in front of my kids. Yes, it could have been WAY worse, but that does not make anything about what happened ok. And if you're sitting here thinking, 'Well, that wasn't bad. He thought you were pretty. That's what you want with this whole weight loss thing, isn't it?' No. Fucking NO. I don't want men thinking they have the right to touch me in ANY way, make me uncomfortable, or treat me disrespectfully EVER. But you know why this was ok with the man who harassed me, (yes, that's HARASSMENT), and his employer? Because we, as a society, tell them it is. Just turn on the friggin TV and look at what we are perpetuating. It's disgusting. And it's just getting worse. I am so fearful for my daughter. She has already experienced abuse and mistreatment in her life at the age of 9. She doesn't deserve to ever have to worry about this again. And she certainly didn't deserve to have to see her mother treated like her own voice didn't matter.
So what am I doing about it? Firstly, I warned the neighbor not to DARE give that man my contact information. I sat my daughter down and had a conversation about consent and apologized to her that I didn't set a great example for her. I should have been more firm even sooner. And I'm making sure I lock my front door, as soon as I get inside, every time I come home. And that suuuuuucks. It sucks to be concerned that maybe that dude won't take the hint, and will come over uninvited, but it would suck even more NOT to be concerned about it and to have it happen. And I am completely and totally done being polite about stuff like this. Yes, I want to be seen as a kind, friendly person, but I cannot let any man cross any lines again, and allow them to think I'll stand for it. My daughter is watching and since our political system can't protect her or show her her value, I will, X 1000, even if it makes me a "bitch".
I encourage you to watch this clip of the incomparable Lady Gaga on the Colbert show the other night. At the 2:20 mark, they start talking about politics and Gaga brings up Dr. Ford's testimony. Then she explains, in a very eloquent and simple way, what trauma is and what the brain does with it. She absolutely nails it. Yes, men, women remember every freaking disgusting detail of their sexual misconduct, harassment and attack stories, even if they can't remember jack shit before or after it. It gets seared into out brains. Notice I am saying ALL women. That's because I don't think I know a female in this world who does not have their own #metoo moment, or several of them, or even too many to separate them. It's part of day to day life for most of us. For your wife, your girlfriend, your mother, your sister, your friends. What are YOU doing to do to make sure it's not your daughter, too? Why not start with using your vote to change the tide? The women in your life will love you even more for it. Promise.
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